he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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