she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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