At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
