He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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