What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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