if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
