she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
