I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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