my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
