he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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