Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
