How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
