It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
