I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
