She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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