woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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