Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
