I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
