It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
