i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
