I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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