just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I forget how to act sober
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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