and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
