So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
