Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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