When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
