Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
