She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
