What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
