So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
