I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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