Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
