I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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