if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
