if you like me you must not know who I am
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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