News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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