yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
