I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
