Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
