WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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