Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
