After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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