my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
