Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
