Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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