At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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