we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
