Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
