The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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