i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And then my night got REAL pukey
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
