We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
