I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
